We finally received all of our hard copies of the blog today. Going back and reading over the posts from the last almost 4 years has been so wonderful. Part of me wanted to jump right back into blogging tonight and posting pictures of the boys but another part of me couldn’t do it. Not just yet. It didn’t seem okay to me that I would be here in my home with my two boys safe in bed when so many families right now are in so much pain and are dealing with insurmountable loss. In all honesty, I have been doing my best to avoid the news. I can’t read about it and I can’t listen about it without crying. Today when I dropped James off at school there were police there in bullet proof vests. James walked so happily into school and said so innocently, “Mom! The pee-weece are here to help people Mom. Just in case people need help, they’re here.” He was right and while he said that out loud, the lump in my throat and the sinking feeling in my stomach took over. I almost couldn’t drop him off. But I did. I walked as confidently as I could. I smiled as big as I could smile. I hugged him as tightly as I could and I said I love you as many times as I could before he ran into class. After I left, I was talking with another parent, a Dad, and we both cried a little. What has happened is almost literally unbelievable.
Today I realized how vulnerable my children are – I have the
most delicate, precious, and irreplaceable pieces of me walking around in the world
– just out there. God give me the love, the patience and the guidance to raise my children to be kind, to
be strong, to be loving and to be the helpers in the world.
To my James and Cillian,
Today you are too young to even begin to grasp the enormity
of what I feel at this moment. I want you both to know how very, very important
you are to me. You both are my life, my heart, my soul. I look at you and I see
the good in the world, the beauty and purity of humanity. As you grow into boys
and young men and even older men, please my darlings be kind. Be kind to
yourselves and be kind to others. Being loving and being compassionate are not
weaknesses but are strengths that very few possess. When I look at you both, my
two sons, my heart smiles. I stare in disbelief that I was able to create you.
I stare and think to myself, I am the luckiest person in the world. I swear
that I will do everything within my power to keep you safe and protect you from
all that can harm you. I wish I could hold you always right here in my arms shielding
you. But, I can’t. I know I can’t. Each day we can strive to live our lives to
the fullest and love each other as much as we can and be as kind as we can to
one another. Each night I hope ends like tonight did – where your Dad and I can
both put both of you to sleep and give you as many cuddles and hugs and kisses
and I love yous as you need and want. You both are just so amazing and
wonderful. Please know what a gift it is to feel each of you breathing against
my cheek as you drift into sleep. Please know how much I treasure your hands
taking ahold of mine or your little tiny fingers wrapping around one of mine.
Please know I could hold you nuzzled against me forever.
I love you all the way to the Universe and back.
Mommy
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