2 Months

This is a post about Cillian turning 2 months but it's also a post about our first two months as a family with our newest member. Some days are ones where I want to crawl into bed at 8pm and not do the dishes, the laundry, not clean up all the toys, and not do my due diligence and pump. Other days have times of laughing and playing and end with me having the wonderful sense of pride in being able to have a day free of crying and time outs. Most days however are a mix between the two. To give you a better understanding, yesterday Doug took off work because James had off from school for Yom Kippur and around 1pm Doug said this to me, "If I don't take 30 minutes for myself and rest, I'm going to lose it." I laughed and then he laughed but it's really the truth on some days.

Cillian is doing much better on his medicine. He's spitting up a lot less - frequency and amount  - the scariest thing for me is that I worry about him choking when he's sleeping. Doug and I hold Cillian up after feedings for at least 15-20 minutes to help the milk digest and settle. Feedings are going really well and he takes 3-4 ounce bottles and then every now and again he'll surprise us and take up to 6 ounces. This has happened just a handful of times and usually follow a big poop. I'll explain. Cillian is what our pediatrician calls an "infrequent pooper." Yep. 5% of breastfed babies are infrequent poopers. No poop for like 5 days and then BOOM 5 days worth at once. It's just as how you are imagining it to be.

Almost since he's been born, I've been pumping exclusively. When you have a baby shaking, thrashing, throwing his head around and screaming, it's not the most relaxing of interactions. It was making me anxious, there was latching and then unlatching, latching and unlatching, there was scratching, pulling, crying - so the pump. It's been great so far - it's literally though double feedings. I feed him and then it's like I'm feeding him again, but not. I'm just so grateful that I had my pump from when James was little. Best gift ever! Thank you Reilly Aunts!!!!

The really lovely thing about it though is that it gives Doug and James opportunities to feed Cillian. This is great. The other nice thing is the stock pile of milk we have in the freezer. If I stopped today, Cillian could eat all the way through December. And yes, I feel like kind of a bad ass saying that. However, because of LOTS of things that will come up during this post, I'm glad I have the stock pile, because we're going to need it. Something's got to give and I think it's going to be the pumping. I've got lots of sad feelings about the decision and it's not going to be easy for me to do but it might be the best thing for us right now as a family.

 

Cillian had his 2 month appointment yesterday.

                                                           

                                         Weight: 9 lbs 10 ounces (2%)                                            

                                             Height: 21.5 inches (5%)                                                   

                               Head Circumference: 37.5 (10%)                                      

Yeah, you're reading that correctly - he's in the 2% for weight and the 5% for height. He is tiny. Like really really really tiny. He is still in newborn clothes. He is only starting to wear 3 month in Ralph Lauren. That's it. And they run small. He is my real life baby doll. The appointment went pretty well yesterday. Cillian cried the entire time. Literally the entire time. Okay, there were brief reprieves from the crying but maybe like three and they lasted about a minute each. In Dr. Hirsh's words (not mine), "With a baby like Cillian, you need to make sure you get breaks. Like that you get out and you get a break. You are caring for this baby and a three year old all day. You need to take care of yourself or else you won't be able to take care of them."

I told her that it's not me that I'm worried about but James. I felt very proud of myself for not crying during the appointment. James is having a difficult time. James never threw tantrums before and we were witness to one the other weekend that, in my opinion, is what raw anger looks like personified. I won't go into any more detail than that because I'm not going to embarrass my son. I know why James is doing it and it breaks my heart. It has got to be so challenging for him. It used to be me and him all the time and now it's not just even the fact that there's a new baby. It's the fact that Cillian cries a lot. He needs to be held a lot. He wakes up a lot. He spits up a lot. He screams a lot. Cillian is what the doctor's office called a "fussy/difficult baby."

James is acting out a little bit and I talked with Dr. Hirsh about the concerns Doug and I had and she assured me that how we're handling things is appropriate and a great approach. We want to nip it in the bud before it gets worse and wanted to make sure our approach was okay. In essence, we're using positive and negative reinforcement. No punishing, no hitting, no yelling, no screaming. If there's a behavior that is not appropriate, a toy gets taken away or dessert gets taken away, etc. If there's a behavior that is positive and good or if there's a lack of a bad behavior all day, there's a reward - minutes for the ipad on the weekend, a special trip to get ice cream, etc. I even came up with my own mantra - PPLG (positivity, patience, love and gentleness.) We are seeing great changes already. Instead of losing my patience with James for continuing to come into Cillian's room when I putting him to sleep, I bend down to his level and gently explain again that I need him to please wait outside in the main room or his room until I'm finished and then we can play. I used to have to do it a lot of times and now I just say it once or twice and he listens. It's a wonder that speaking gently and explaing things to your child works better than getting frustrated and yelling ... huh.

Now, I don't want to seem like I'm all down on Cillian because I'm not. He is the snuggliest little rascal. I love him dearly and I cherish the middle of the night feedings because I get to hold him and kiss him and squeeze him without anyone around. It's just me and him alone in the quietness of night. I love it. He snuggles in on me just like he did in the hospital and I relish it. He is having more and more stretches of calm which is great and is allowing for more tummy time and playing on his play mat. But when he's tired and ready to be swaddled, believe me you know it. He is loving the paci more and more THANK YOU GOD which is fantastic. I am such a paci mama. I would much rather break a paci habit than a thumb habit. Here's one of my favorite Cillian activities - bath time. Here's the during and after. I love him.

(blogger keeps changing the photo and won't post it correctly - sorry!)

We've had a few changes in the routine around here because I am juggling two sleeping and eating schedules. Or one schedule and one lack of a schedule :) Oftentimes, James will be going down for nap right when Cillian wakes up starving. In these instances and in others where James doesn't want to nap, I suggest doing an hour of quiet time in his room. He likes this idea because, in my opinion, it doesn't have the word "nap" in it :) The other day, I opened the door to his room and didn't see him in his bed. Do you see him?

He fell asleep reading "Go Dog Go" to himself in his chair.

I teared up when I saw him. He is SUCH a good child!! Then I took these pictures and had an oreo and felt like less of a bad mom. Amazing how oreos can do that isn't it? So this has been our routine lately, James does an hour of quiet time and this usually leads to a 2.5 hour nap in the chair. Sometimes like today, Cillian went down really quickly and I went into James' room and we got into his bed and I could read to him and rub his back until he fell asleep. He was so excited. Truth be told, so was I.

Sometimes James and I are treated to Mom and James time when Cillian naps for a while. The other day we discovered the comb. I always think of my Dad when I see combs like this. James had a BLAST and we were laughing so hard.

I can't believe how long this post is. If you're still reading -  thank you! I promise I'm almost finished. James has an ear ache. So that's been interesting. The poor guy. Here he is on the couch after his doctor's visit. PJ top and regular pants. Totally a sick day outfit.

Here he is in happier non ear ache times being Mr. Personality.

I love this child so much. He makes my heart smile. Oh I just remembered something. The other day in the car I heard him singing to himself and I lowered the radio and then he could tell I was listening and stopped. I asked him what he was singing and he said, my song. He asked me to sing it to him and I did. It's a song I made up in the wee hours of the night when he was just born. I told him that I missed signing to him and he asked why I only sung to Cillian and I told him it's because he asked me to stop. He was quiet and then said, "Mom, I want you to sing to me again because I'm your little angel." That's what I call him, my angel. I don't have to tell you that my eyes were wet with tears behind my sunglasses. He just melts my heart and makes me feel so lucky to be his Mom. He reminds me in the simplest of ways that even though he's three, and that he's my big guy, he still needs my love and attention just as much as Cillian does. Sometimes in the thick of the day, I forget that. I shouldn't.



Okay, to end on a happy and lighter note, both our sons have and had what I affectionately refer to as "Jack Nicholson hair."

This was the best picture of Cillian's Jack Nicholson Hair I could take.

James had it when he was this age and now Cillian has it.

Next phase, George Costanza hair :)

And finally, the other night I was sitting at the table after dinner. Cillian was sleeping and Doug was giving James a bath. From what I could see the sky looked really pretty. I opened up the shades all the way and saw this sky. Isn't it beautiful? The best part is the rainbow - every time I see a rainbow I think of both my grandmothers. They were both amazing mothers; both of them to seven children. I felt like they were saying hi and sending their love.

We love you so much little one!

Something tells me there's a lot of personality waiting to come out :)